December 25, 2011

My mom was fighting for full custody of my then 6 month old niece when I moved to the city in 2007.

She got custody. And I tried to be supportive. I didn't want to think of the truths. I wanted to have time.

But each time I would have to leave to go back to the shelter, I had these feelings I couldn't explain.

It wasn't until my niece came up to me claiming to be scared that I realized that something was wrong. I tried to inquire about her fears but my mom was there trying to silence us.

I started to pay more attention to what was going on around me whenever I was with the family.

I went to my mom's after discharging myself from a shelter after being physically assaulted under surveillance cameras by my deaf roommate and my mom physically assaulted me upon mentioning the incident. I remember feeling like I was going to end up being another First Nations statistic because after I walked out of the building I was feeling suicidal knowing my niece was still inside the apartment.

I was in daily contact with Native Child and Family Services of Toronto. It wasn't until the fateful day of May 20, 2009 that our family changed forever.

When my firstborn nephew was born my sister and I weren't talking to each other. But when I had a note to call my mom and got the news that my nephew was rushed to the Hospital for Sick Children, I lost it. I hadn't met him before then. I met him two days after my birthday on May 27. Surprisingly my mom was in charge of supervising all family visits.

While this was going on, my niece was at her paternal grandparents place.

Afterwards my mom's mental health issues were clearly displayed. The concern I had only escalated.

I went to her place for Thanksgiving October 10th,  and the following Friday morning, I attended a group at NCFST. The energy I was picking up was unsettling. I remember waking up that morning sweating and it felt like something or someone was tugging at my arm. I was crying. So when I got to NCFST, I was beyond myself.

I was heading to a traditional native healing lodge for the week. That night,  though parts are vivid, I had a hard time sleeping. Everyone said it was because I was in a different bed. I would've believed them but with my connection to Creator and my family's history, that didn't make any sense. What I do remember is the sweats, the hands, the clamping of a mouth, and the screaming. I couldn't focus on the groups. I needed to get home. Something was wrong.

When I wanted to go to the bank, when I returned, I chose to go to the location near NCFST. I looked across to see the building. I didn't expect family to be there but I noticed my sister was standing outside the building. I thought maybe I was just tired. She saw me and waved me over. I went.

She told me my niece escaped from the building and that did it for me. I remember saying "if this doesn't wake Native Child up, I don't know what will".

From then until December 31, I was in direct contact with the workers. December 25, I was home doing nothing. I decided to go for a walk. My aunt called me while I was out. I called her back. She told me about the cops responding to a call about my niece who approached someone she knew asking for help. And how this person called police saying she knew her but that she didn't know where my mom and sister were. My niece was placed in the back of the police cruiser and driven back to my mom's house and upon entry into the building, they knocked on the door and when my mom answered the door, they asked if she was her granddaughter. My mom said yes and the cop asked if my niece could go inside. My mom said that if she left she was obviously not happy there so she wasn't welcome to come back inside. She didn't want her there. So the cops placed her in the back of the cruiser and drove her to an emergency foster home. When NCFST reopened, I was just trying to sleep because December 24-28, I refused to eat, sleep, and drink anything. But when I got the call to watch her while the adults discussed the paperwork, I rushed down. I can't even describe the ordeal. She wasn't herself. She was clingy. She freaked out if anyone in her family left the room. She was supposed to return to the foster home but I convinced NCFST to let her go home with her dad and his family. December 31, she was placed in a joint custody arrangement with her dad and his parents. I only had access until May of 2012. We were inseparable. She knew I'd never let her down. She trusted me.