Meeting my nephew at Toronto Sick Kids Hospital for first time

May 20, 2009 is a day I'll never forget. Though I didn't find out anything until the next day. I was at Fred Victor Shelter on Caledonia in Toronto. My birthday was the following Monday. I had just came in from a walk with my then boyfriend. I noticed a note on the window of the staff office for me. That almost never happened. I asked for it. My mom wanted me to call her. That almost never happened. Staff came out and explained my mom asked that I call  with staff. That was weird. But I called in the office. No answer. I left a message. I went for a walk to the nearest payphone cuz I figured she'd answer. I was right. She asked if I was sitting down. I looked around. No seat. So I squatted. Told her I was sitting. Then she told me something had happened. I immediately thought my sister had gotten into trouble. Or my niece was hurt. Then she told me to be quiet. Then she said Shane (my nephew) at 2 months old had been rushed to Toronto SickKids hospital the night before. We talked about the events leading up to the incident and my sisters irresponsibilities in raising a child and started coming up with theories. I went numb. I began crying hysterically. I walked back to the shelter almost getting hit by oncoming traffic because I was crying too hard to be able to see. When my boyfriend saw me he let me have a moment in the outdoor smoking area then approached me. The minute he grabbed me from behind I crumbled and instantly tears turned to anger towards my sister. My mom had a room at the hospital to monitor family visits especially my sister and his father. I was introduced to my nephew for the first time on May 27, 2009. Seeing him try to fight with the machines around him....I can't....I can't describe it. I learned my sisters foster brother was charged. It wasn't until 2011 when I got the call that after continually searching the crime scene the police charged my sisters friends boyfriend, who, conveniently for me, stupid for him, revealed some extremely incriminating details during the trial of the foster brother that troubled me and made me think he'd done it but I didn't want to interfere. This incident is what damaged my  visions of the family I longed for. Forever. And I'm damaged. Forever.

Health

Back on August 29, I had an allergic reaction to something yet to be named. Then things went from bad to worse. I noticed my heart going faster. My hands were tingly and felt like they were on fire. Then my feet went the same way. I could barely hold things in my hands. Then my hands went numb. I wasn't sleeping. Unable to eat. Sweating profusely. Clammy at times. Dizzy and lightheaded other times. Extremely agitated. Extremely impatient even more than I normally am!! My doctor is sending me for an EMG. I have been extremely anxious and vulnerable. I have huge problems with the unknown and so for me, not knowing what's wrong or what to do to feel better is excruciatingly uncomfortable. I had an incident recently where I was bathing and had what I think was a panic attack despite no obvious signs of anxiety. The walking is off balance. It hurts to breathe. My chest area hurts. I had assumed it was my shunt. I thought that because of the similarities especially regarding urinary frequency and extreme thirst.
I've never had heart problems. I am absolutely petrified. And alone.

Toronto's Homeless Shelters

From 2007-2010, I bounced back and forth between Mary's Home, Evangeline, Women's Residence, Florence Booth, Fred Victor Bethlehem United, and YWCA Toronto.
Mary's Home discharged me for refusing to clean the crap off the floor left from my roommate. Evangeline discharged me because I argued with my roommate. Women's Residence discharged me the first time because I didn't like the males working there. Florence Booth discharged me the first time because of eye surgery. Fred Victor discharged me the first time because I was going to live with my sister. Then when that didn't work out, I went to Women's Residence and after awhile I got discharged for wearing MOCCASIN slippers in the dining area while other residents wore next to nothing or pjs!! And I was also discharged I'm betting because I had residents who were defending me with a staffer who went out of her way to get in mine and out me using her supervisor. Back to Florence Booth where by this time staff sat behind a desk the whole shift looking dazed and confused refusing to do anything else. And upon a medical emergency with a resident they did nothing as residents did all they could!! I got discharged for bringing it to management and Shelter Standards who did nothing. Went back to Women's Residence where I was discharged for NOT GIVING $5 TO A RESIDENT FOR THE BROKEN WATCH SHE GAVE ME!! Not to worry I let then councillor Adam Vaughan's office know along with telling them of the broken elevator that was broken for over 20 years!! 2weeks later getting my stuff they asked why I was going towards the stairs and mentioned the elevator had been fixed a week ago!! Lol. Then I went to Fred Victor. Staff ignoring my sexual assault while medicated, ignoring my witnessing a drunk guy in shelter causing his girlfriend to miscarry, my physical assault UNDER SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS, staff verbally abusing residents, staff eating residents food saved for dinner, then locking themselves in staff office and laughing as they ate them, sneaking deaf roommate back in after she assaulted me, saying it was extreme cold weather then refusing to discharge her once lifted, a student tried bringing our concerns to staff which resulted in him being let go, the staff condoned discrimination against First Nations residents. Went back to Florence Booth where a resident would watch people change, hovering over us, even as we slept, sometimes holding LIT CANDLES over us and upon reporting it we were told she wouldn't be discharged because we didn't like her. Back to Fred Victor. The staff I liked before we're either gone or downright nasty. A lot more fights were happening. So I forced myself to leave and stay in the bus shelter at 595 Bay Street until I went to YWCA Toronto. And you all know how that's going!!

Another YWCA Toronto Post

YWCA Toronto
1. Supposed to be 1yr
2. Worker tried controlling role of former superintendent
3. Tried telling my brother and his then pregnant girlfriend they couldn't stay in my apartment while I met with them
4. Asked for my file repeatedly with them providing many excuses
5. Asked repeatedly for a fire extinguisher and up until recently was told they'd look into it
6. Never have supplies for long weekends, holidays or inclement weather
7. My rule to call on arrival to be let inside was recently ignored
8. Worker brought her kid to my home unexpectedly then left soon after then the other worker stayed, placed feet over arm of chair breaking their rule of both workers must be present for meetings
9. They monitored my Twitter at one point but it was for if I needed help and upon reading them I realized they didn't pull any that were asking for help
10. They told me they'd need 2 weeks notice if I wanted to bring city reps to meetings after already denying Councillor Ainslie then after Valentine's Day weekend rants, they emailed and called twice to arrange a last minute meeting to meet with one of the workers and Carolyn Rabbat despite both workers needing to be present and where I was bullied like an employee  who'd trashed the organizations reputation into apologizing for outting workers by name on Twitter.
11. Before I'd foolishly given permission to monitor tweets they were already pulling tweets from other account
12. Carolyn told me, upon asking for a fire extinguisher, that because I have a love of social media, I could research how to get an extinguisher online myself then when I said how I'm always accused of not trusting or accepting support, this was an opportunity to prove me wrong
13. During a trip to Centre Island in 2011, I noticed an intoxicated client and informed my worker who literally asked me to keep quiet.
14. Constantly blaming the Ministry of Health for rules regarding scheduling and staff meetings
15. Ignored all my suggestions to try and better program services
16. Each time workers change they pull this honeymoon phase where one worker can conveniently attend appointments and meet 1:1 in my apartment, then after a short time I would request a workers presence and be reminded of the supposed rules

Open letter to YWCA Toronto

Oh YWCA, where do I even begin?! I believe it was 4 years ago a worker told me my contract was only for a year and in that year they were supposed to find an alternative payment option. If I'm writing this, then you may (or may not) realize that never happened. I also asked to review my file, which I'm sure is very empty, and although I've been provided the delays of supposedly having to ask managers, it has yet to happen although I now also have a letter indicating I need to call the manager. If you incompetent morons think I'm sitting in the same room as Carolyn Rabbat who bullied me, you clearly don't know me. Fair warning, that's a phrase you'll see a lot of in this open letter. And I don't know what planet you're from but where I'm from, Earth, workers don't control the superintendents of their clients buildings. Those stupid consent forms you repeatedly ask me to sign?? I told you idiots you already had plenty of them distributed but oh no...you needed more, so much more my former trustee asked me to ask you to stop sending them because they were accumulating the majority of his desk. Oh and how could I possibly forget when I asked for you to ensure I had everything I'd need for emergencies, long weekend's and holidays you only did it at least 5 times out of 4 YEARS!! Then I get accused of not accepting support. Well actually that was a year ago but still relevant. What were you telling me at Centre Island upon my informing you a client was intoxicated?? Oh yes that's right. Keep my mouth shut. My mouth. My words. My eyes. I see something I speak. Don't like it, FIX IT YOUR GODDAMN SELF!!! By the way, I'm finished taking heat and battling with my doctor because I'm not eating. If you can ask me to sign consent forms, you can damn well get off your ass and ask other workers for help. Why is it my responsibility to do a case manager duty when you idiots accuse me of not accepting support?? I really don't care if you like this post or not. If you can't see beyond the anger, you don't deserve that job position. Yup that's right. I said it. I'm pushing you're buttons like you've pushed mine. Don't like it?? Then solve it and NO I am not telling you how to solve it or how I think things should go. I am not doing this for you. You accuse me of not trusting you so this is your chance to prove me wrong. At one point you understood my rule of calling me to let me know you were downstairs waiting to be let inside for meetings but now you have shown great amounts of disrespect by not only having someone let you in other than me, you also managed to bring your kid to my home unexpectedly and your fucked up manager Carolyn Rabbat basically shrugged it off but quickly dismissed my bringing 2 individuals to my meeting and one was a councillor, not to mention you also called  twice after a snow storm grocery shopping trip rant on Twitter caught your eye after promising me you'd read the tweets relating to help then called once and the next day  emailed and called again claiming you were concerned for my safety which you knew to be a way to get my attention but unfortunately for you I didn't fall for your crap and immediately went to the office. Where little Carolyn was waiting with one worker despite always mentioning how both had to be present all times, and bullied me and cornered me into apologizing. I am not an employee (I thank GOD for that!!) and I shouldn't have to justify tweets which can include personal thoughts to you or anyone else unless through court. Do you think broccoli would corner people into apologizing for tweets people send saying how much they hate the vegetable?? No. So I don't either. Not to mention you ask me to be open and honest and upfront with feelings. So if you're keeping track (oh right, sorry I forgot. You do nothing for me) I've done everything that's asked of me. But I am not changing anymore of myself for you. If you have insecurities don't take it out on me. If you're stressed, don't think by changing me you'll feel better. Just because you earn a living by telling me how to live because you can't find your own happiness from within makes you my permanent enemy. Because you don't want to change. You just want to continue being stupid. I don't cater to stupidity.
When employees of YWCA Toronto brag about what you are or aren't required to do within program responsibilities, that are also found on www.ywcatoronto.org then repeatedly accuse me of not accepting support, I laugh because I know it's untrue. I remember a specific time when I asked for help getting a fire extinguisher and you said that you'd have to ask then Carolyn said as the manager that because I have a love of social media that I could find an extinguisher myself. My response to that is simply: How is it you guys can accuse me of not asking for help when you have in fact stated that I have?? You say you aren't acting like social workers but you are. Then you say your role is case management but don't provide details and welcome venting about family and then twist my words to your advantage. But fools, you're twisting of my words just shows me that you have no reason to classify me as someone with severe mental health issues because you've twisted my words and focused on my attitude, hygiene so you can keep me as a client to earn more money.
You clearly don't know me because although you acknowledge how many resources I've gained both political and through police, you still feel the need to manipulate me to do things by saying the ministry of health isn't changing your schedule. That's not my problem. I've suggested you advocate but you shrug it off.
I finally reviewed my file. Unfortunately I got no surprises. There were references to me being diagnosed with schizophrenia, all of my family's mental health and addiction struggles and involvement with CAS. But as your client for housing, my housing issues are practically invisible. Yet you show up to my place and accuse me of not trusting you by not accepting support. How is asking for help getting furniture and a fire extinguisher not asking you for help or better yet not trusting you enough to ask for help purchasing these things?? Especially when this is what you've said is part of the job you are paid to do.
Let's not even talk about how one of my first workers left the program because SHE WAS IN CANADA ILLEGALLY!!!!!
Not helping me when I clearly ask, delays in providing my file, showing NO respect to my family or apartment, controlling the role of one of my previous superintendents, bringing your kid to my apartment unexpectedly, then breaking your own rule of both workers must be present for meetings, denying a city councillor to attend a meeting, gaining access to my building via another tenant to do a scheduled visit, and asking me to keep quiet about an intoxicated client during a trip, not doing anything about tenant I knew in shelter who would purposely follow me in my building and who approached me repeatedly to interact despite my attempts to ask her to stop, which made me feel like a prisoner in my own home. You asked me or bullied me into agreeing to not share my experiences within the involvement but it's my story. If you are troubled by my sharing these stories maybe you should look at improvements to prove me wrong.

Forever Broken

Two days ago my world was ripped apart. Native Child threw a dart that shot through my heart. But they never cared. They never wanted me there. Some say my theory isn't realistic. But like other predictions, their opinions change quick. Now I have this my give a damns busted no holds barred attitude. People still find ways to blame me shielding you from your truth. January 21, 2010 Jay Lomax had opportunity to do his job. Instead I became the worker doing everything, going nonstop. No thank yous, no debriefing, nothing. It was like watching a movie with a heartbreaking ending. Breaching client confidentiality repeatedly, ignoring firsthand witness reports of child abuse, asking for my personal information including if I was in a relationship and pregnant, denying me a worker despite being all about culture and family, not to mention putting in court papers my mom's mental health struggles and her substance abuse issues and repeating them for all 3 of my sister's kids, then telling me people change. Apparently the attitude changed once Toronto Police apprehended my niece. The workers at Native Child claimed I was speaking out of resentment towards my mom who abandoned me after birth because I have unresolved issues with her. It wasn't until I read how my mom manipulated London CAS then years later Native Child that I thought she used sexual intercourse to gain custody. Such a strong claim I know but Jay was fired from his previous job for having sexual intercourse with a female coworker so anything's possible. During my fight for access with my secondborn nephew I had a hearing with CFSRB. In the paperwork there's incriminating evidence of workers spying on my Facebook. It was a positive post because I checked with reliable sources before posting. So their best defense was to tell me I have access until November then in a plan of care in July I was told my last access would be in August. That happened August 11, 2014.

More YWCA

February 3, 2014 got a call from my YWCA worker asking to meet yesterday (written February 4) with them and the manager over tweets because they were "concerned about my safety". I put quotations because there was no mention of being concerned over my safety, Twitter or not. They agreed Thursday to not springing meetings on me last minute. They agreed not to meet until a city rep was called and arrangements were made for a meeting they could attend. They agreed not to spring meetings on me. Then they fell back on their word. Not to mention they always say how there's always 2 workers involved but one was visibly absent. We brought out issues but when asked for my opinions, I got cut off and if I interrupted, I got shushed. Not only that, but the bring your toddler to work day incident was mentioned and the manager was satisfied the issue had been "resolved" and said to move on. As for city councillors, that got ignored. Then I was told about the tweets in question. I was cornered into apologizing for singling my hatred for workers. I was made to say I wouldn't trash talk YWCA. I asked about why I was doing more than my fair share. They told me about how staff meetings work and I asked why I still didn't have a fire extinguisher and the manager said its mandatory, so I said I knew but I've asked and haven't received one and the manager said since I have a love for social media I can look into how I'd go about purchasing one. Then I asked why it was my job when they accuse me of not trusting them. They were reluctant to answer. Each attempt they shifted it back to my tweets. I showed them the lease with my name on it, I shared how if they keep creating rules they can't follow for themselves, we aren't going to be able to work. Manager shared how she participated in a discussion on proper social media etiquetteand attended many events including the Garrison Ball and how she was going to change the program. Her name is Carolyn Rabbat.