It's your world, I just live in it. There's no med that can cure you because you can't be helped.
How many times does one have to hear crap like that before they take their own lives?? As someone who is a disabled First Nations woman, who struggles with eating disorder behaviors, has been disowned by her birth, foster, adoptive and step adoptive families and who has tried for years to let her inner child out with each attempt failing miserably, I am tired of the same fight. The same discussion. The same struggles. The same rejection. The same excruciating hurt. The same doubts, guilt and second guessing of my decisions and everything else. I am tired of getting up out of bed each day to face a day of such toxicity, discrimination and fighting for acceptance, to be heard and acknowledged.
I have always said that I fight so hard because I don't want to become a First Nations statistic. I have always said that since I moved to Toronto, it's been my goal to break barriers for the Native community. But after a few recent incidents, I've come to the conclusion that a few people who were closest to me were misleading. And given their position, I am absolutely devastated by the developments in which I chose to end a "friendship". I say it that way because I thought he respected me and my culture and the situation I've been in. Clearly I was mistaken. But this simple puzzle piece could've been prevented had this person just communicated better. But its too late to go back. We've blocked each other. I removed all of the contact information.
Some will say its my own fault. However, if you don't have the full story, you really can't have an opinion on this issue because without the full story you're basing your opinion on he said she said which doesn't help.
I grew up believing that if you tell someone that whenever they have a problem with something or someone you should always go to someone that respects you, who understands you and your situation, and who isn't just helping you because its their job. Clearly the '90's got it wrong.
I mean. Try waking up each morning happy and then you go out into the world and you're like the movie where everyone around you is blurry because they are moving around doing whatever it is that they do while you are just standing there alone trying to look happy through tears, healthy despite not eating or sleeping, normal when all the rage inside of you is just bubbling away ready to explode. People push past you without apologizing. They stare down at you or walk away while eyeing you in a negative way. They whisper. They laugh at you. This is my world.
I have a history filled with emotional and physical abuse. I struggle with eating disorder behaviors, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and extreme social anxiety disorder. I am First Nations. Not that I need to share this but I don't struggle with addictions to alcohol or drugs.
I know that those who support First Nations people won't say anything about the things I just mentioned. But I shared it because someone just went to the other side. And while I'm still trying to process everything, I felt like I should share my thoughts.
I've been thinking about life and the what ifs and just doing a lot of self reflections. And as someone who firmly believes in astrological signs, as a Gemini, my brain is on a constant workout, OCD style!! So if my Gemini twin personality is processing every single detail, and I am (so I'm told anyway. I don't believe it) a good hearted person, being a product of the government getting the crap knocked out of me figuratively speaking, the constant battles never end from within me as well as around me. Add in that I struggle with the effects of maternal deprivation syndrome and you have my entire 31 years of existence.
I'm open. Honest. Trustworthy. Independent. But not even those qualities make me apart of your society. Despite the fact that these are the most common qualities people look for in others. What does this say about the qualities we deem acceptable for our society?? Why are we so quick to judge before we get to know about someone?? Why is one race (actually I can think of two) not equally qualified for the same things as the other ethnic groups?? Did we choose our color of skin, our families, our religious beliefs, etc?? No. If you have experienced forms of abuse, is it your fault you have to struggle through the affects for years? The word acceptance shouldn't even be a word until we actually look within to find the true meaning of the word.
When someone reaches out to you no matter what your profession is and you simply direct them elsewhere, even though you know their story, your actions or lack thereof are all that person is seeing. Choosing then to add your two cents while this person is struggling, adds more fuel to the fire. Choosing to erase could lead to unimaginable guilt. This is a high stakes road and the person struggling doesn't deserve to walk or fight it alone.
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