My Painful Milestones

As many of you know, I moved to Toronto in 2007 to reunite with my biological family. If you know this you also know how well that didn't turn out. There were some good times, don't get me wrong. Like when I stayed one week in Toronto before moving because I reunited with my mom first and we spent the week connecting and creating memories. It was the two of us for the whole week. We went to Centre Island and we went to a market. We had a girls night with some of her friends and had a nice home cooked meal. I even bought Coca Cola and accidentally put it in the freezer to speed up the cooling process, went for a shower and forgot about the pop and grabbed it from the freezer and got a Coca Cola bath (I was wearing a white t shirt!!!) Or when I met my sister after being in a London shelter and she and my mom picked me up. We tortured the hell outta my mom!! That was when I met my niece for the first time. I also remember when both my mom and sister were sleeping the entire day and I was left to care for my niece not knowing anything about how to care for a baby!! We both survived!! I also remember when my sister told me she was pregnant with her second child. I remember the shopping trips to Orfus Road. I remember being her dancing partner while she was single and going to the bars. I remember going to my mom's house on February 20, 2009 and being asked to go into my mom's storage closet to take out the trash and opening the door to find my brother whom I hadn't met yet inside!!! I remember not being at the hospital for the birth of my firstborn nephew because my sister and I were fighting and I had just had eye surgery. I clearly recall the events of May 21, 2009. I had just got back to the shelter with my then boyfriend after a day out of the shelter because of staff meeting. I checked the message board, and noticed I had a message to call my mom (which NEVER happened!!) I was also told by staff that my mom had said that it was urgent and couldn't wait. Since the residents phone was taken away, I had to use a nearby payphone (Coffee Time up from Fred Victor shelter on Caledonia) I called my mom. She asked if I was sitting down. I asked why. Then asked if my sister had done something or if something was wrong with the kids. My mom said she wouldn't say until I was sitting down. Given that there was nowhere to sit, I lied and told her I was sitting (I was crouching). She then told me about my nephew's hospitalization. We spoke for a short time and once we finished, I couldn't even enter Coffee Time to wash my face from crying (also couldn't stop crying). So I headed back to the shelter and was almost hit by a car because I was still crying and unable to see anything. When I went inside, the staff left me alone. I went to the smoking area. I was the only one out there. I cried and cried. My boyfriend was told I was outside and that he should be with me. I didn't even hear him. All I felt was someone's arms around me. I looked back and buried my face in to his chest. It was because of this circumstance that the staff bent the rules for me. I went to my mom's on my birthday to keep my brother company and to do whatever I could to help.  I remember my brother (who,like me, is calm in emergency situations and does everything possible to help) and I being in frequent contact to help my mom who was at the hospital as Native Child had appointed her the supervisor to monitor my sister and my nephews father as well as family members which had to be approved first by Sick Kids hospital team. To this day, I still cannot find the words to describe what it was like walking into his room and seeing him hooked up to machines and whatnot. A traditional healer did a ceremony and he told my mom that my nephews spirit said he didn't want to be here. Those Sick Kid infomercials were right. And I truly believe that this tragic incident is what truly opened the door to the hidden truths that have destroyed our family. I was given access rights to visit my nephew after he was released and my mom and sister stopped showing up, back in September 2009. The "worker" at the time chose one visit to ask me about a violent fight that involved knives, while I was holding my nephew (her son) and after I mentioned the obvious, he was no longer allowed to supervise my visits. January 9, 2010, I self discharged from Fred Victor after being physically assaulted under surveillance by my roommate who was a druggie pretending to be deaf. I went to my mom's, and in her mental capacity she tried to pitch the idea of a lawsuit and because it was her idea she thought she should get half because she was caring for Caitlin, my niece. I tuned her out for awhile but when I finally spoke, I said no to her idea and was physically assaulted feet away from my niece's room (she had just been put to bed). A few weeks later, January 21, 2010, I was meeting with the "worker" at Native Child and in the lobby (it was busy with clients etc) he revealed at 1:30pm, the identity of my mom's drug dealers name to me. Instantly I felt like I was in one of those movies where you get bad news and suddenly everything stops. Its just you. Your legs feel like jello, you feel like your about to throw up, you feel dizzy, and you can't speak. You aren't even sure of where you are or who you are all while you feel like that abandoned child from 1983 waiting for your parents to pick you up but they never come. If that description isn't believable, why would the receptionist come over to me, give me kleenex and help me stand and upon standing, ask me if I needed her to call a cab because my legs were shaking uncontrollably. I still don't know how I managed to get back to the shelter. This news caused that reaction because when I first reunited with my mom,on August 3, 2007, my friend who drove me, stayed until I asked if she drank or did drugs because where I was living at the time said I couldn't stay if she said yes to either or both, and we now know she lied.
I was scheduled to go to a healing lodge in Barrie in October 2011. It was from October 23-28. Up until this point I was aunt, daughter and sister reporting to CAS doing their work and worrying about my niece's wellbeing on the subway travelling home after visiting. It was a routine. I was worried about how things would be while I was gone. I remember the Friday before I was scheduled to leave. I was sleeping and woke up sweating and panicked because I felt what I thought was someone with a good grip grabbing my arm and tugging it and crying and screaming and it sounded like it was a child. A female. I went to my group that morning which was conveniently at Native Child and couldn't focus. Sure enough on November 3, when I wanted to go to the bank I chose to go downtown to the one nearest Native Child and tried to not make eye contact when I spotted my sister outside the building. But no such luck. I was then told my niece had left my mom's unit by herself without telling anyone until her principal called, and she did this on October 21, 2011. After a civil but incredibly firm conversation with the new worker who was a female and had daughters of her own, we worked together and decisions were discussed and agreed upon being enforced. It was so bad that my mom thought her apartment walls had ears reporting to Native Child and I had to have permission to join her, my niece and a family friend for Thanksgiving Dinner. Once we had dinner, I told my mom to go walk up the street to where my sister was staying, to give her some dinner (my sister was banned from the property, I loved how I was the only child allowed in the building!!)while we cleaned up. She agreed. Upon cleaning and putting dishes away we discovered cock roaches in cereal containers amongst other concerns which I emailed the worker about once I returned home. The next morning I received an email and she informed my mom that I had reported her, but she still thought the walls had reported her. Over time, I kept being the insider for Native Child. Until December 25, 2011. A day that I will NEVER forget!! Keep in mind, during the time of my eye surgery recovery and my sisters then pending due date, my niece had come up to me practically ripping at my eye and grabbing on to my leg and arm for dear life (she has an amazing grip trust me!!!) and in that scared child like voice she said "Auntie, I'm scared" which in front of my own mom, I brushed off ( I still feel the guilt). So, knowing this piece, back to December 25. I was at home alone, no presents, no dinner with all the fixings and no decorations or visitors. I finally got out of my apartment for a walk around 4. When I returned, I had a voicemail on my home phone. It was my aunt calling me to tell me something happened with my mom and I needed to call her back. My first thought was "God, she can't even hold the drama on Christmas Day!! B****!!" and then I calmly called my aunt who told me that Toronto Police had apprehended my niece that morning. And upon returning my niece to my mom, my mom barely opened her door and upon the officer asking if the child was her granddaughter she said yes and then said that if she wanted to leave, my mom wasn't forcing her to be there and that she didn't want her there anyway, the officers placed my then 4 and a half year old niece (a spitting image of me at that age) in the back of their police cruiser to the emergency foster home until December 28 when Native Child reopened. I didn't eat, drink or sleep from December 25-28. Just as I tried to get sleep Native Child called asking me to come down to watch my niece while my mom was supposed to sign over guardian rights to my niece's father and his parents. When I got there I immediately demanded to see my niece. She came from the early years centre and normally she doesn't hug but this time she hugged and hard and wouldn't let go,which I thought was nice but then realized why it was happening. I took her aside after the adults said she wouldn't eat or talk. I commended her for her bravery. I thanked her for trusting me enough to ask for help. I told her that her suffering was almost over, she just needed to let the adults finish the rest but that she would not be going back to that awful place again. I then asked again if she trusted me to see this through and she said she did and so I asked her if she would eat with me and she and I ate pizza that my sister had brought while we were talking. Obviously my mom never showed. My niece had been dropped off by the foster parents at 8:30 and I arrived at 1:30 (it was short notice). My mom was supposed to be there at 1:30. We waited for hours. Finally the worker and her supervisor said court was the only option and as they were about to send my niece back to the emergency foster home, I argued that it made more sense for her to be with her dad and his family given the circumstances and because we all were positive they'd get custody anyway so that is exactly what happened. And on December 30, 2011, I met up with everyone outside 311 Jarvis and the judge agreed that she should stay with her dad and his parents with my mom not getting any access rights as well as my sister. I last saw Caitlin on September 30, 2012, Rose, Deidre and Jordon on April 20, 2013, Shane in December 2012, and Justin on August 11, 2014. I first spoke on the phone with Rose on July 21, 2007. We reunited August 3, 2007. I entered the Toronto shelter system on August 17, 2007 staying at Covenant House and then Touchstone (my favorite memory with my sister was her taking me back there and upon introducing me to the staff, they said "Oh my god!! I had no idea you and Deidre were sisters!!" my sister was gobsmacked!!)