Growing up, I was led to believe my birthmom had either not wanted me, or she had died. When we reunited, I felt like my dreams were intertwined in my reality. Then I got caught in the moment and refused to let go.
When I moved to Toronto, my mom was preparing for a custody battle with my younger sister over her then 3 month old daughter. This was after she lost not only me but my sister and younger brother years earlier.
I had read my papers. I was aware of her substance abuse and mental health issues. I didn't want to focus on that.
She managed to get custody and my sister got supervised access in the community with my mom listed as the supervisor.
I didn't notice anything until my niece was 2 years old. But I wasn't sure if I should be the one reporting concerns.
It wasn't until my niece came to me claiming she was scared, that I finally confided in my mom's neighbor, who encouraged me to go to Native Child with what I knew.
So I did.
Jay Lomax, who was my sisters worker when her file was transferred, then became my niece's worker, never returned calls or answered, so I went there and we usually talked in the agency's lobby.
I would get told he'd check things out, but then I'd visit and would see more concerns. I finally contacted my father who shared about his time with my mom. I managed to obtain a copy of my file, and wrote down concerns, and when I wanted to discuss what I was turning in, he chose to discuss it in the lobby. He took down my contact information and when I asked for a worker, his exact words to me were, "No, you can't have a worker because I'm sure you're aware that both your sister and niece are clients and in your mom's care that would be a conflict of interest". I was not amused.
Shortly after, my sister gave birth to her firstborn son. It was 2 months into his life, that he was rushed to Sick Kids as a result of Shaken Baby syndrome, with my mom supervising all family members visits with him, and even staying with him in the hospital, while my niece stayed with her paternal grandparents. But that wasn't before my niece started acting up. I started reporting my mom's parenting techniques which included hot sauce to her mouth, being in her room with the door closed, at first with scissors holding the door closed. She also would send her to bed without dinner and would keep her up late at night, sometimes all night so that she'd be sent home, though the reason I was given was not the real reason. I reported this and again was told they'd investigate. By this time, every time I reported, not only was I providing my contact information, I was also questioned on whether or not I was in a relationship and if I was pregnant. Which I thought was odd considering this guy had previously said I couldn't have a worker. So I went to his supervisor, which clearly was a waste of time especially considering I was continually denied services within the agency, and I was following proper protocol when following the Children's Aid Duty to Report. With each delay, I grew more and more frustrated and concerned for the safety and wellbeing of my niece who due to no fault of her own had been placed with my substance abusing mentally unstable mother who couldn't even provide for her own children. It was because of my reporting, that I also took criticism. Some thought I was still bitter about my own apprehension and was using my niece's situation as a way to get back at my mom for abandoning me so many years ago. But that clearly was not the case. Nobody saw just how special of a bond I had with my niece so they obviously were gonna talk, and if they had, I'm certain they'd still find something to gawk at.
I should also point out some key points. First, as a child, I used writing as a coping mechanism. Secondly, if you read Native Child's mission statement on their website www.nativechild.org you will see that they supposedly value the input of the extended family.
I kept visiting,reporting,being told my mom was being closely monitored, all of which meant nothing to me when after eye surgery, I went for a visit and my niece grabbed on to me for dear life. She claimed she was scared which during a visit is one thing I didn't want to hear. But either way, my mom brushed it off. By this time now, my niece was being fed dinner around 10pm each night going to bed after midnight and she was only 3!!!
It never seemed to matter to Jay what was happening in my mom's apartment, the focus always seemed to shift to my personal life, whether I was in a relationship, whether I was pregnant or not and the child protection concerns seemed to escalate which only added fuel to the fire. People in my mom's building suggested that since I wasn't getting through to Jay or his supervisor,that maybe I should go to their Board of Directors, so I did. When I met with their investigative team, I reminded them I was firstborn, that I was aware of the mission statement as well as my mom's history, and pointed out areas of concern which were reported, but continually being ignored. When it was clear nothing was going to happen, I decided to contact the Ministry of Children and Youth Services. At first, my contact there was very helpful, very willing to address my concerns. Before I knew it, things were calm. But more behavior concerns were causing me to again return to the agency. By this point, I'd begun wearing hoodies to shield me when reporting concerns. And it was on January 21,2010, while I was only there to again try getting through to Jay, that, again,in the lobby, on a busy day, that he sat in the lobby, and we went through the usual idle chat. Then just as he was about to leave, he asked me if I knew who Lloyd was and after saying I thought he was the guy who dropped smokes off for my mom, it was exactly 1:30 January 21, 2010, when he told me in the lobby that the guy I'd only known to be the guy who bought my mom's smokes was indeed my mom's drug dealer. Before I could say anything, Jay Lomax was off and running. To this day, I still can't put into words what that news, or how it was shared did to me. All I can remember is how Jay said drug dealer,and bolted, and me crying,rocking myself holding myself together while my legs felt like jello, and my stomach hurt. I must've showed my shock well because the receptionist was going to call me a cab because I could barely walk as I left.
I remember going back to the shelter I was staying at, and without so much as a word, going to my room, and crying myself to sleep. I was called for dinner, and despite not wanting to be around anyone, or wanting to eat, I went and sat quietly with the residents whom I'd grown close to. When they realized I was more quiet than normal, they asked. So I told them. And it was these women who pointed out that he shared such confidential information in such a common area and shouldn't have, and that because of this information he should've done his job properly also considering I'd mentioned the records and the information he had added up to the fact she had addictions and therefore I was providing relevant information which he ignored,and because of these ladies providing not only this insight, but moral support, I kept them in the loop about things. I thought I'd be okay. But I couldn't sleep. I was more upset, and equally as concerned for the safety and wellbeing of my niece while she was under my mom's care. My anger, and other emotions showed whenever I attempted to write from then on, and even to this very day. I was always concerned about going behind my mom and sisters backs in order to protect my niece, but with this development, because my mom had denied her smoking and drinking upon our reunion, I was absolutely crushed, devastated. It kinda reminded me of those movies where the person is standing still and you see everything around them going super fast. I'm always my worst enemy because I always want answers, and won't stop until I get them, then when I get them, I want so desperately to make things work, so I challenge the answers until I'm satisfied, but as hard as I wanted, and as hard as I tried coming up with answers, nothing made any of it better. In fact, it made things worse. In the days following, I remember my doctor wanting to see me every week. He was concerned about my eating and anxiety because I'd informed him of any Native Child developments. So he was definitely aware of my absolute hatred for Jay Lomax.
Each time after, I still went to my mom's as hard as it was to look at her,or be around her,without her knowing why, and it was a good thing, because my niece needed me. I was there one day and we were about to eat, and my niece was swearing at my mom, and my mom told her my brother was coming up so she better be good, but as soon as he got in and tried hugging her, she swore at him too, so as he carried her, he grabbed the salt and pepper shakers and sat her down at the table, and since she was still swearing, he picked up the pepper shaker and poured the pepper down her throat. I sat beside her, half watching my niece and my brother, half watching my mom, who just turned to the wall, looking away from the situation. I was mortified. I quickly looked at my niece,who was screaming at the top of her lungs,and just as I tried looking away so she wouldn't see tears in my eyes,she and I shared a glance that to this day is fresh in my mind. And it still burns. I reported it and the next day it was investigated and the day after that, I was back at my mom's, learning how she now used hot sauce when my niece swore. I reported that. Next visit, my mom told me to be quiet because the walls apparently had ears that were reporting things to Native Child. Don't ask me how I managed to keep a straight face.
It wasn't until I'd moved in with a friend that I'd seen Jay while walking out in the community. He stopped me to inform me that he was no longer working with members of my family. My friend was the first to mention he should've called me instead of breaching confidentiality. I called his supervisor that night and the next day he informed me that they were closely monitoring his behaviors, which I found hard to believe.
I had managed to get access visits with my firstborn nephew, and unfortunately Jay supervised the first visit. During the visit, he asked me to recall an incident involving my sister,who was drunk,and how she almost tried to kill me with a butcher knife, while I was sitting down holding her son. I remember thinking back to an elder teaching me about our energy and how it passes to those around us, and thinking how at that moment, I was describing an intense situation involving my sister,the mother of this child and how I should choose carefully the words I spoke and not about how angry I was at being placed in such a situation. I should point out, that after seeing Jay in the community, I learned he had switched to the agency's adoption department, which was why he was working with yet again another member of my family. And with this change, came a change in workers for my niece, who, thankfully, was a woman, who had two daughters of her own. And yes I used that to my niece's advantage.
This worker was at times questionable. At first, she wouldn't divulge information or speak with me. Then after the old supervisor had filled her in, she began by expressing concern over some things, which I thought was a step in the right direction.
Over time, I got many updates on concerns and shared information with her, and again got told they were giving her another chance to straighten things out. But it wasn't until Thanksgiving 2011 before I left for my trip,that I'd been invited to go to dinner at my mom's. Yes, her kids needed invites. Don't ask. We never did. And my mom had invited another tenant to join her,my niece and I. Since my mom had prepared dinner, her friend and I cleaned up. While doing dishes and putting things away, we came upon the shocking discovery of cockroaches in my mom's food containers, amongst other things. We devised a plan. We cleaned up, kept quiet, but I was going to be the one reporting it. So that night, I emailed the worker, and the following day she got back to me, saying she'd be there that day to investigate and issue a much more stern warning. That night I was filled in on her findings and some were surprising while some weren't, but she told my mom that she'd be getting her help with budgeting, and discipline. By the time I got back from my trip, i was afraid of the reports. And sure enough, I had every reason to be worried because I met my sister outside the agency, which her being there never happens,so automatically I knew something was up. Once I was told about my niece wandering out of my mom's building all by herself, I was worried for my niece, angry with both my mom and Native Child for allowing it to get so bad she felt she had to leave, and feeling guilty because I'd been away. I went in, spoke with the worker, and in all my advocacy for the kids, I've joked that my meetings could've earned me a Daytime Emmy. The worker and I devised a much more strict plan and I was to be notified of any developments or changes, and if I wasn't, then I told them it was on them.
My mom seemed to respond well to the Ninoshe worker, who was like a PSW I guess. And for awhile things were improving. Or so I thought.
I had contacted my cousin through Facebook and started talking with my own aunt and on Christmas Day mid afternoon, she called me but I had gone for a walk. I called her back because the message she left troubled me. When I called, I was told my niece had been apprehended by Toronto Police that morning, and when they tried bringing her back to my mom's, my mom opened the door, acknowledged that my niece lived there, but then said if she wanted to leave she wasn't going to stop her but that she wasn't welcome to return, so my niece ended up in an emergency foster home that Christmas. Until the agency re opened on the 28th, I hadn't eaten or slept, and as I tried that morning, Native Child called me to come watch her while the adults did the paperwork signing parental rights over to my niece's father and paternal grandmother. As soon as I arrived, she hugged me and didn't let go, while I was updated on her stay in foster care. She communicated some things to me that tug at me, and despite my issues,like I'd done any other time, I had to shift from hating my mom to focusing on the children. This whole ordeal was painful because 1) my niece is a spitting image of me at that age
2) I hadn't had time to resolve my own issues with my mom
3) because not only did I have documentation, and witnesses, but now I'd lived my years with my mom from 1983 in a total of 5 years but with my niece and nephew in the role of the child.
When it was clear my mom wasn't going to show, Native Child was going to send my niece, already traumatized, to the foster home, but I said that because she'd already spent so much time at her fathers place with his mom and family that it would make more sense to have her go home with them until court. So after a while that's what happened. And the day before New Year's Eve, we were in court. Well, my niece and I weren't. But once the judge heard how happy she sounded, it was official, she was placed in a joint custody arrangement between her dad and his parents. Up until Thanksgiving 2012, I had regularly scheduled access at the house with my niece on Sundays. I no longer have them because her grandmother chose to dig too far into my own personal issues and take things to a whole new unnecessary level. But that's okay, because I still have access to my nephews. Although getting to be apart of the secondborn nephews life meant connecting with my sister,and going through the review board, but now its all worth it!! My mom, sister and brother are not included in any of the children's lives. I sometimes struggle with that, especially when I visit my firstborn nephew and he calls me Mom Mom, and I just witnessed on September 16 my secondborn nephew starting to walk and talk!! It was recently brought to my attention that my nephews worker wanted to include Jay Lomax in his adoption process and was reluctant to divulge why, or change it, so I had to threaten them with the review board, and now,hopefully, I'm going to remain happy reporting that he won't be involved and once this adoption is final, there will be no more involvement, and it will end the final chapter of my reunion.
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